These are my ideas left behind for the world to read. I would hate it if I became a key figure in history and there isn't anyone to tell my story and my ways of thinking. I also hate when people speak for me. These are things that I wish I could tell my younger self or maybe who knows maybe my child will read this one day if I pass away before their formative years. Just having fun by writing down ideas.

I have a theory that is probably proven scientifically somewhere but I haven't bothered to search it up but here it goes.... I think each generation reaches a certain cap. That's why we define them in categories of generations. For example the millenniums stereotypes of mugs and awkward selfies. or gen z stereotypes or babyboomers with their housing and working hard ideas. I think it's just how one's environment shapes us. I see that across borders because the US has such a strong influence that no country no longer has culture. It's just the same homogeneous soup that is being copy pasted. Just as I doomscroll and come across memes I can see the same execution of memes in Bengali / Greek / Swedish content whenever it pops up on my feed. yet we dont have the far right complaining that swedish humans are being invaded by american influence! lol. anyways that was my theory in generation knowledge and cap. i think people will reach it sooner or later than others and at a certain point we will get defined by it more than we already have. speaking as a gen z'er and with an idealistic personality. Of course we will have outliers that haven't seen or done enough. Maybe those will be our karens

Let me ask you. Are you free? Are you truly free? Free from external influences that dictate what you should value, like and possess in order to be considered free? Then aren't you just a slave to your surroundings? To other people's values? What are your values that make you free? Is your definition of freedom to be alone and living in peace and the flow of nature? Living far away in a mounting only surrounded by animals and the elements? I would say that that's the true definition of freedom. But it's impossible to reach for even. Despite it being my own definition and true form. I am bound by relationships. Either friends or family. I will go as far as to say that I depended on them for my well being. Then again. Mostly you prize an expensive car to be the definition of freedom. That's being rich in the literal term and the definition that we made. To which is currency. And that's why I think it's fun to write. My definitions will differ from yours. Your answer to freedom is not the same as mine. To be free in a modern society would be to be deprived of any and all external influences and to value what you value for the sake of providing value to your life. You shouldn't care about what your surroundings tell you about materialistic things giving you some sort of social status, in order to impress or to belong. It's you! Your decisions affect you and your wallet and your pockets. Not theirs. You are just buying their validation. One true human can never be swayed from his or her beliefs and values.

Why should you read this? And what are friends? I see the values and teachings I grew up with. The idea of a moral compass. Is on a fast decline. Finding people that have some sort of morality and kindness still left is rare. When i do come across such people we usually become friends for life. I know they would not hesitate to give away their own organs for my survival. Or at least that's what I think. Maybe it's enough to be self delusional in order to feel that I would also do the same. Maybe a sort of expectation. Who knows, maybe all my friends are fake and I have been gaslighting myself. Because I definitely see and recognize such surface level relationships in the social life of Swedish culture. Just being classmates can often be enough to call someone a friend. Some go as far to call them close friends, when and if they hangout outside of school together. I say a friend is one who cares not just on the daily matter but they would drop anything and everything for you, if the situation calls for it. I think friends shouldn't just mean someone who truly lives up to its definition. "a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, trust, and support" then again despite being an idealist i dont think this is a handbook to the "right" definitions rather what i wish my parents would've explained to me. Ones who complain about everything being political are also the ones that lack true genuine caring friends. Because their politics run as deep as their friendships and are as good as their friends.

Nobody told me or showed me how things should be or what they mean to them or to the world. Now what do I mean by that? The abstract topic of love was not explained by anyone near me. Rather I had to construct the definition on my own. Using whatever I saw and gathered from movies, animations, cartoons, etc. There are some other definitions and ideas and even more things that I think. Should have a standard to them. So what is this thing called love or by the very least what is my definition of it? Love is often considered to be personal and hard to describe. That's what I believed growing up but now in my 20s I'd say my idea of it is as follows… Someone that makes you a better person whether by helping you emotionally to grow or being a motivator toward a positive growth. One who is NOT just a point of stability, financial or emotional stability. We are not in the dark ages now. And talking about dark ages a mutual respect. That's how I'd define it with the more relation specific things such as working with and accepting each other's positives and negatives. I will leave those topics to the professionals.

Are you proud of your country? Why? Is it because it has conquered others? Is it because it's rich in minerals and money is power? Or is it rich because it's rich in morals? A nation is mechanical. Consisting of Economical, Self preservation, power & political union Ideals of life with the comparison of each other. A nation's goal is ultimately to preserve and harvest wealth. We compare and compete with other nations. We want what other nations possess (Economical, Self preservation, power & political union). - The topic of political tangles in one's nation and its racial significance Each nation owes its success and survival to the ones prior. Not 1 race. The Arians. The Persians and the Greeks. Should they also have a say in today's politics since they were also the forefathers of a nation. In more practical terms should the vikings have a say in today's politics? Should we hunt down high ranking vikings or viking heritage in order for them to be prioritized in politics? Since the biggest argument is that... "These people don't belong here." due to their background. Yet a lot of one nation's natives have a more mixed background than they care to find out or admit.

A person once asked me an unexpected question - the taboo question. Why didn't you do it then? What stopped you. Not from a place of concern but rather in doubt. I will tell you what goes on through the mind then and there. But before that… Growing up I used to fantasize death. I once remember asking my brother “if one can die from eating sugar? then atleast id die happy” as I was stepping into my still single digit years. My parents forced religion upon us just as it was done to them, through the generational tradition.... I began to ask an even darker question. Can one enter heaven if they take their own lives. It is so hard. to go day by day. knowing that tomorrow won't be any different. And in fact just worse. You cannot do anything to change that. To fall into that feeling as an adult who in theory has all the power to change their present and future. to be told that even now. u will be bound within these walls. Not because someone like your parent decides over you. but rather now the big guy decides over you. because you are part of his mechanism, a lesser of a human to him. You are colored. You are foreign you are disabled you are blind. U are a minority. As an expat as an immigrant as whatever decorated name you want to call yourself. You will be assigned the name alien on papers. A foreign alien. The National Mechanism doesn't care if you left your country as a toddler. He just wants you out. just like an abusive household. The thoughts on each attempt has been a constant fight to think about the brighter times. To think that one day I will get my peace even if it means to wait for the next cycle. It's at least peaceful every other 5 years of my life. That's the only way I can think of the positive. being alone for as long as I can remember. And I am referring to the mental part since I grew up with a sibling and both of my parents. I don't have any childhood memories to think back to. no happy moments. just terror. fear. and resentment towards life and the question of why, why it brought me to this world. no support from any of my parents and i was brought up so isolated that we had no contact with any family member. I don't think I should be as functional as I am. This is not normal child development. to get to my point. The genuine connections I hold today are thanks to the constant feeling of being in my brain. being my own friend. thinking about what I'd do. It's almost like I have been planning but didn't know for what. It was a dream to have my own computer. to eat whatever I please and not what would be forced upon me. And I did achieve that. thanks to just sheer tunnel vision. Each attempt while in Bangladesh was selfish. I threw out that tunnel vision. that isolation comfort blanket and said i don't want to see a goal post that constantly moves. I just want to take a shortcut and be done with it. I cannot constantly fight this and be told that I will never be valued as a human being. Now to answer the initial question. From this topic. So I work myself up. I gather whatever I would need to get the job done. enough plastic bags to suffocate myself in. thinly rolling and tying the bedsheets on the window railings that are meant to deter thieves from entering. Or keeping a mixture of over the counter medicine to make a painless exit. Each time I am determined and ready. But the thought of how one's life impacts others like dominos in a line. is something that I am more aware of than anyone else in my family. I think we all grew up with this sense of tunnel vision. just with our own versions of it. We lack something and that's for the better or for worse. maybe its lack of development or maybe its lack of reality. I don't know yet. when the moment comes. when I was hanging off the highest point of the window grills. I had isolated myself from Sofia and everyone. not by choice. But It made it easier. But the stupid thought of not ever being able to talk to them had started to linger in my brain. Knowing that if I was in their shoes I know I would at least like to have a last conversation with them. To not be able to say goodbye. Not saying goodbye to Sofia was the thing that gave me the will power to struggle and find the chair beneath me. my door was locked. my mind was set. but just the thought of harming someone else. and not just anyone, my wife. the responsibility i hold. It would kill me to see after the fact. knowing that she has to live with this and I am the reason for her pain. We are not talking about heartbreak but death. something she has no power over. Neither me nor her. (I always wonder why people don't just hold the rope over them and pull themselves up like a pullup. Its not possible when your whole body is suffocating and losing all air.) Each attempt becomes less of an attempt and more like a driving force. Each day is a different struggle. heat. money. noise. people. bureaucracy. It's painful to be alive knowing that you are the worth of nothing and the cost of everything. It's the thought of trying to be selfish for once. to not care about others but yourself. and even in chosen death I get reminded of that. a curse and a blessing for the ones around me. because they can rest assured that I will be there for them as long as I breathe. I am fortunate enough that my friends already know that. I really don't know how or why and that's probably me lacking what is maybe super obvious to the rest, to not have to prove that to them and yet they just know it is also a blessing for me. to be understood and seen by those that matter.

Empathy is not given. It's not the default. That's what i realized after i got done judging the people who would label themselves as “empath” I now realize why we have conjured a word like that. All and any new inventions, words, things and ideas. Are created as a response to a need. Whether we realize it or not. If the freedom to protest is a democratic right. Then it should not be made hard to do. As it stands. It is impossible to protest without losing your paycheck. The very thing we rely on to survive. Some rely on it more than others. The systematic decline and obstruction to protests is exactly what dismantling democracy looks like. Beside the diluted version of democracy that is rooted in corruption and elitism. Protesters should be allowed paid leave from work because it is exactly what allows us to be democratic and not implementing such systems is a non democratic pro-capitalistic agenda that hoards power from the people it boasts to serve and represent by taking out the very word.

In matters of perspective: I think today we lack the ability to understand perspectives. Growing up in Sweden, that has been more obvious than ever. As a country that is historically considered to be the American of Europe. Due to how quickly American influence reaches and ingraines itself in its society and politics as I write this lobbying and anonymous donations are a thing that is very much ok in Swedish politics. Something unimaginable back in the folkhemmet era. Isn't it funny how we teach kids to not cheat and that cheating is bad. Yet our nations that each have those values are the same ones that will spy on their national neighbours. Espionage, sabotage etc. We make other nations our enemies. We say China is terrible. Russian is terrible. And automatically put its citizens in that group as well. The same group as the tyrant leaders. As if people are no longer people rather accomplices of their rulers. We forego from judging the people and jump straight into generalising and frown upon a whole nation. I too have condemned a nation and just as I read nationalism by Tagore. I realize just that. This generalization and alienation of other nations is just that. A mechanical fabrication to keep us at the ready if war breaks out. Or in the name of conquest, of imperial power.

I know what I am. who i am. but I am constantly having to prove myself to others. like a billboard waving and flashing its light for anyone who would care to look. It's exhausting. Many people would say... just don't care about it and move on. and I do, do that. But the people giving out that advice are the same people who would say the following sentence. "why does everything need to be political" to answer that id say that i can just shut it out and that works. Regardless of how much I bury my head in the sand… The ones that care and judge me for it are the same ones that hold the power to feed me. Not literally but in the form of an income. They treat me like a billboard based on my appearance and not what I am advertising or what I am capable of. I will also doubt that the person who said "why does everything need to be political" has gone through too many struggles in life. And one mustn't have to struggle in order to care or have sympathy. but by the very least be able to put themselves in other people's shoes and try to understand the suffering such a stigma can bring upon others. To make this whole concept more complicated. Such "logical" a-ampathic people will justify and try to problem solve by providing solutions. Solutions that are not solutions for the person suffering but rather a solution based on, of their own values and morals. Everything shouldn't be political. You are right. Yet somehow morals and politics are one. They are unfortunately directly tied together. I agree that they should be separate but unfortunately politicians can decide to start wars or end them. That's why we must partake in politics. Even though you shouldn't have to. I mean isn't it funny that the president has less training than the army he commands. He has the power to wipe out a population. Even small world powers have the nukes to wipe out a small village in the blink of an eye. The soldier can at most bring death upon maybe 10 to 100 people but the president or prime minister can wipe out a whole country and yet the elected president can be someone with education that halted before or at high school level. That's the reality in Sweden in the 21st century. Let's not even talk about Trump. The same thing goes for how we view the environmental crisis. It shouldn't be us who worry about it. Rather the ones polluting it. We know enough and we know substitute ways to survive that will replenish the earth's resources such as vegan options and green energy. Yet those with the smallest footprint or least powerful have to gather and march against the ones polluting the earth. I shouldn't have to make a dietary change in order to be morally right just because some oil company wants to bribe the sitting politicians in order to dig and promote more oil consumption.

In Bangladesh people live in homes made out of metal sheets. Imagine my surprise when I saw that a few of those homes have an air conditioning unit. How do they plan to use metal? A material that is a heat conductor, 5mm thick with 1 side being extreme heat and the other being extreme cold. It sounds like a waste. Just the standard apartment brick walls alone seem wasteful without insulation. Let alone metal tin homes. There is no such thing as efficiency in Bangladesh. We seek out quick solutions. quick fixes. It's not just Bangladesh. The west alone we fall into quick fixes with shopping away our emotions. With medicine that fixes our issues in a day, where a natural remedy might take a month but the upside of the longer natural treatment will have a much longer lasting benefit for the rest of your life even, Yet we stick to quick fixes. The society makes you want to be quick and productive but then again Bengali society is the opposite of quick and efficient and yet somehow people are as lazy and as dependent on external just as the west is fixated on externals. At the end of the day we are drawn to a quick solution as any other nation. Is that the American influence or is that the greedy man's pocket controlling you to get you to turn his gears on his behalf?