Everyday i feel depressed. A sense of longing wanting things to go back. Its especially hard when my health is not what it used to be. Lack of food, sun, dopamine and god knows what else. I try to not think about it. Knowing that its not my fault that my health is how it is. But my brain is too smart so it looks at other things to be mad at. to shift blame to. to rationalize a unpredictable sickness. Then all i can think of is the bad news sorounding this country. Each day is an other gruesome murder or rape case. A father selling out his teenage child and separating her head from her body. or being mugged to near death in the supposed most safe area in abgnaldesh with ransom money at play and fault bodlity things done to a adult guy, or when i came across a naked body of a women 1km away from were we lived with a small crowed around her and a police officer and no news coverage. as if that person never even existed to start with. I wonder that one day it will us. An other day where either me or my mother comes close to being targets. We will never know if we ever were because we possibly narrowly escaped them. (based of how these things usually go, that is) Such as a buss driver holding mom in dispite the buss being empty. Sure he didnt do anythign but a empty buss with 2 men and denial to exit only hints at one thing. Or when a group of guys calls me on the street dispite my earplugs... And proceeds to act as if i dropped something only to engange in meaningless convo. Sure i left before they did something by saying i am busy but nothign says that i wouldev survived unscaved if i stayed and entertained the idea or rather purpose of that days outing. since none of these outing are without neccesity. So i think of the positive try to think of things that are out of my control to calm my rational brain. And i think back to my health. how dispite flying 8 years ago i still caughed up blood beacuse i popped a blood vessel. Its not my fault that my body doesnt tolerate things. No matter how much i want it to. So the rationalization of the extreme hto weather being something that i am supposed to be used to due to being born in bangladesh of bengali parents and livign in greece for 12 years... doesnt stand not because i dont want i to. rather my body has the final say. PS: if migration office wanted cases to why bangladesh is not safe then they would want a signature of the possible attackers to prove it. Even then they would say that its faulcified.

I had been hearing faints words and screams and a faint smell of fire. But that is just an other day in Bangladesh. People argue and scream. They light their trash in to a bonfire and smoke goes wild and enters everyones home. To me and many it was just an other day. Neither did i hear the stove gas cylinder exploding. Whiles many other neibors heared. I did see smoke coming from the building next to us. Its as far as 5 neters apart from our own apartment walls. The guy has died after arriving at the hospital. His lips apperently did not stay attached to his face. They weren't there at all. His skin from the waist down had peeled off. Just an other day that i feel i am escaping incidents or the lingering feeling that a big accident is bout to happen is such a uncertain country. Just as on the 17th of this same month i was close to being jumped for the second time now. I guess dispite trying to wear flip flops and pijamas outside to blend in... i still stick out. No matter how close or posh like, the area may be I will always be an obvious outsider seems like. There are other reasons to why the guys house was filled with gas that upon lighting his morning cigarette he just parished. Its tied to corruption and the building manager ignoring the fact that the tenant had been complaining about a gas leak for months. Or that he had stolen the gas from the governmental gas lines and routed it to his own building. Same politician is active in politcs. And has ties to the current govermening body. Such a mess.

To not have hobbies but to be cut out from them. To lack friendships or even worse having them but no way of accesing their company. No work life. No dreams. No goals. And no nothing u can do will chnage any of these. What are you? You are a shell. A human with no soul. Or maybe a soul that is yearning a different life than what it has. Empty. Lacking of happiness. "You are still surviving or survived that period" is as stupid of an agreement as saying that to person that was just sorounded stranded in the ocean by sharks. Yes they seem to have survived it. What occured during that time will only be felt by the person who was sorounded by shark and afraid that this was his end. You will never feel hos andrenalin rush. Fear of never being rescued. As i said many times over now i have achieved everything in my life that 5 year old me thought would require a lifetime. Now i have been set back so far behind. Sorounded by things i cannot understand nor coperhand that its better of dying than trying to dig yourself out of your own mothers womb again. Thats how it feels. I had it all. A life. A hobby. Friends. A work life. A dream. A goal.